Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Slow Road the Healing

It's only been 2 months since we lost our baby girls. I am amazed at the time warp the has been December and January. We are slowly feeling less intense emotional pain, although it's there below the surface. I have been worried lately that I am not thinking about our miscarriage and our babies as often as I should, but I know I think of them often and don't even realize it. They are constantly on my mind in one way or another.

We began talking about adoption in early January and immediately felt excited about it. I just can't bare going through DEIVF again after our loss. I really feel like I was a giant balloon of hope just hanging on for dear life and then, POP, someone stuck a pin in me. All my hope is gone, and I have so much fear of being pregnant again. The thought of going through another cycle and going through everything we just experienced is scary.

I'm just not sure I want to do it anymore. The decision is complicated by a few factors. One, my RE says I had a placental accreta which is when the placenta invades into the wall of the uterus. This causes hemorrhaging after birth and usually leads to a C-Section and immediate hysterectomy. I admit I am more afraid of miscarrying again, although he feels our miscarriage was due to our girls being monochorionic diamniotic twins and sharing a placenta. I guess it feels like pregnancy has become scary, when before all of this it felt exciting and special.

We decided to apply to an infant adoption program and we are really excited! I know our decision to continue with DEIVF doesn't have to be made right away and I know for sure we want to have a family and to share all of our love with a child. We will just have to see what the future brings and if our feelings towards proceeding with IVF change. Either way, we will build our family through adoption!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Identical Loss

I’m trying to be strong for you both. I can’t believe how happy and excited we were with the news that you would both be ours; hope and faith were renewed ever so briefly.  As I analyze everything I did and thought for those 9 weeks wondering if I could have done more or if I did too much; I realize it was never in my hands. I can’t imagine my heart will ever stop aching or that I will ever stop wanting you two. You were and will always be our miracles, our one that became two, and our two that left us too soon.  Please know that we love you and will always carry you in our hearts. One day we will meet again.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

HPT Ups and Downs, and then Ups

I was doing just fine during my 2ww, but my anxiety got the best of me. I just couldn't believe that it would work, even though the Doc gave us a 70% chance with our donor eggs. We were so pleased with how smooth the transfer went. Our 2 blasts were placed right where they needed to be in a matter of moments, and I felt at peace. I managed to teeter back and forth for the next 9 days, it worked, it didn't work, and again and again.

Finally, last Saturday morning, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer because of the stupid websites I allowed myself to read about early HPT results. Damn websites! I took the test and got a BFN; I was crushed and obliterated all in one fell swoop. My hope was gone. By that evening I picked up the old laptop and began looking up the sensitivity of my HPT and thought maybe my HCG levels weren't high enough or maybe the test wasn't accurate. Please oh please let that be true! I couldn't allow myself to believe that I could still be pregnant after that. So, that weekend was very depressing. The thought of having to start over finding a new donor that we liked was too much to bear. We only had the 2 blasts, the last didn't make it to freeze.

Monday morning was 9dp5dt, and my hubs got up early to come with me to my beta test. I spent the morning and early part of the afternoon researching IVF success stories and looking for trends in negative HPTs and then getting positive betas, just in case in made me feel better. Which it did. Thinking I wouldn't hear from the Doc's office until about 3 PM, my cell rang at 1:30, I didn't answer. I planned on leaving work early to get the bad news at home with my hubs where no one could hear me cry and see our devastation. I began to gather my things to leave work when my work phone rang. The caller ID said "Lifesource Fertility Center," so I had to pick up before someone in my office saw that. I answered very nervously, and I hear Kim, the nurse on the other end. I quickly said to her "I wanted to get the bad news call at home, not at work." She quietly said "Olivia, that's why I'm calling you at work, I don't have bad news for you." I said "What do you mean Kim, am I pregnant?" "Yes, Olivia you are pregnant." I sat at my desk sobbing asking her to repeat it, because I didn't believe it at all.

My beta was 283 and we go in on Nov. 4th to hopefully hear the heartbeat or beats, depending if there's 1 or 2. I still don't believe it, and I won't for a while. Saying that we are excited about it is the understatement of the century. It is truly a miracle and I pray every day that it will continue and we can make it to having our family in June! Happy Birthday to me on October 31st; this is the greatest gift in the world.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

What a Roller Coaster

It's all I can do over the last few days not to lay down and never get up again. Starting last Thursday on Day 11 of our DEIVF cycle, our donor's E2 levels dropped suddenly. My RE called with this news and of course I was freaked out. Friday he called, and the levels dropped again. He wasn't optimistic about continuing with the cycle. He left it up to us if we wanted to keep going. We decided to "Hail Marry" it and keep going. If we cancelled we would have to start all over, find a new donor, pay another donor fee, and more drug costs. Saturday our donor's E2 levels were back up to a good number, so Doc triggered her with a "Lupron Trigger" which I had never heard of; to prevent OHSS. At the retrieval on Sunday, the first 5 eggs he retrieved were very immature. He decided to give her an HCG shot and postponed the rest of the retrieval until the next morning.
During this time, I'm beside myself. I don't understand how this could go so wrong. I mean this is a 24 year old healthy and fertile gal.
After the retrieval on Monday, Doc calls; they got 10 more eggs that were still immature, but not as immature as the 5 from the day before. Good news, 2 of the 5 from the first retrieval matured and was ready to be injected for ICSI. He said the lab would watch the 10 from that day and see if they would mature on their own.
This morning, Doc calls and says, "The news keeps getting better." Music to my ever sensitive ears! 11 eggs were mature enough to be injected, and overnight 10 fertilized! Oh my god, oh my sweet baby Jesus! Thank you. I have been on a crazy and terrible roller coaster during this process and it's not over yet, but I am more hopeful now. We went from all eggs being very immature, and the Doc said he doesn't see them mature in the lab from the stage they were at very often, to 10 fertilized eggs!!! Our transfer will either be this Thursday or Saturday depending on how our embies look as the week progresses.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

I used to be what you call a "bad ass" in my professional life. I got a great job with a bank right out of college; I got my investment license, and succeeded in financial sales for almost 7 years. Then IF struck. I tried to fight it, but I stopped caring as much about my career. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom once we had a child, and in the beginning I had no idea how long our struggles would last, so I checked out.

I feel like I've lost a bit of myself due to IF. I suppose I should cut me some slack. I sometimes miss my "bad assness," especially in work situations. Currently I'm temping at a non-profit association, and it's perfect for my needs. It's 30 hours a week and for the most part stress free. I make less than I made while I was a server for Red Lobster in college, but can you put a price on not being stressed out with work during IF? No you can't.

I've been along for the temp ride for 3 months and have been doing a fine job, coasting along. I decided to let them know that I am awesome and I want to work there for more money directly for them, but didn't know how to do it. The old me would have never taken this job in the first place. I had a brief discussion with the boss, and he agreed, they value the work I do and don't want to lose me. So, I composed a very professional and slightly "bad ass" email stating my requirements for salary and how I can contribute going forward, and sent it off. I was a bit nervous that I had over stepped my bounds, but to my delight the boss walked by my desk the next day and said "I think we can make this work for you, and soon!"

Yay! Victory for me! So, I guess I may put the former versions of myself on the back burner to cope with what's going on in my life now, but that doesn't mean it's gone for good.

Friday, September 23, 2011

My Morning Smoothie

Welcome ICLW'ers! This is my first month doing ICLW and I'm very excited to be apart of it. Although my blog is very new and only 3 posts in; I wanted to share my favorite morning smoothie recipe. It's both healthy and very tasty.

Kick Ass Healthy Smoothie

1 banana
1 apple
1 handful of frozen strawberries
1 tbs coconut oil
1 tsp powdered spirulina (amazing super food I'm recently addicted to)
1 cup of soy milk

Blend away until smooth, and voilĂ ! You have a delicious and filling smoothie. You can add ice if you like it colder too.

Enjoy and thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

One Basket

Well, now that we've accepted our donor things are moving so fast it seems. We are scheduled to start our 1st DE IVF cycle next Monday! I can't believe it! I thought for sure we would have to wait while our cycles got synched. The weird thing is they are already synched! It feels serendipitous. It was so comforting when I saw my doc this morning because he told hubby and I that we could not have picked a better donor and he thinks it is a great match. We were thrilled! I mean, we didn't really pick her; she sort of fell into our laps. We enjoyed an evening filled with utter excitement about getting started and all the great things that could be to come. Sometimes it's cool when we can still get excited like we used to before all this IF shit, ya know? There is still that small voice in my head that's telling me, "Don't get too excited, this is YOUR body we're talking about here. Something is bound to go wrong." Damn that voice. It's probably right.

I've been thinking a lot about the donor process. We really weren't active participants like many people are when looking for a donor. We just put our names on the anonymous donor list and got a call one fine day when we got matched. I feel very satisfied with not having to look through a database of pictures and profiles of potential donors. I understand that many couples want to be apart of this process, and need to have a say in all of the qualities that their donors possess. As for me, the connection we felt about our donor's profile was so special that we didn't really care about the details of her medical history, or the fact that she isn't my identical twin. We are just so happy that this could actually happen that those details just don't seem important. My family history is nothing to write home about and so why should we place that emphasis on our donor. When hubby and I met I didn't make him fill out a questionnaire about his family history and all that jazz; he didn't have me fill one out either come to think of it. It's a good thing he didn't, what a waste of time that would have been!