Wednesday, October 19, 2011

HPT Ups and Downs, and then Ups

I was doing just fine during my 2ww, but my anxiety got the best of me. I just couldn't believe that it would work, even though the Doc gave us a 70% chance with our donor eggs. We were so pleased with how smooth the transfer went. Our 2 blasts were placed right where they needed to be in a matter of moments, and I felt at peace. I managed to teeter back and forth for the next 9 days, it worked, it didn't work, and again and again.

Finally, last Saturday morning, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer because of the stupid websites I allowed myself to read about early HPT results. Damn websites! I took the test and got a BFN; I was crushed and obliterated all in one fell swoop. My hope was gone. By that evening I picked up the old laptop and began looking up the sensitivity of my HPT and thought maybe my HCG levels weren't high enough or maybe the test wasn't accurate. Please oh please let that be true! I couldn't allow myself to believe that I could still be pregnant after that. So, that weekend was very depressing. The thought of having to start over finding a new donor that we liked was too much to bear. We only had the 2 blasts, the last didn't make it to freeze.

Monday morning was 9dp5dt, and my hubs got up early to come with me to my beta test. I spent the morning and early part of the afternoon researching IVF success stories and looking for trends in negative HPTs and then getting positive betas, just in case in made me feel better. Which it did. Thinking I wouldn't hear from the Doc's office until about 3 PM, my cell rang at 1:30, I didn't answer. I planned on leaving work early to get the bad news at home with my hubs where no one could hear me cry and see our devastation. I began to gather my things to leave work when my work phone rang. The caller ID said "Lifesource Fertility Center," so I had to pick up before someone in my office saw that. I answered very nervously, and I hear Kim, the nurse on the other end. I quickly said to her "I wanted to get the bad news call at home, not at work." She quietly said "Olivia, that's why I'm calling you at work, I don't have bad news for you." I said "What do you mean Kim, am I pregnant?" "Yes, Olivia you are pregnant." I sat at my desk sobbing asking her to repeat it, because I didn't believe it at all.

My beta was 283 and we go in on Nov. 4th to hopefully hear the heartbeat or beats, depending if there's 1 or 2. I still don't believe it, and I won't for a while. Saying that we are excited about it is the understatement of the century. It is truly a miracle and I pray every day that it will continue and we can make it to having our family in June! Happy Birthday to me on October 31st; this is the greatest gift in the world.