Like Strawberry Wine

I smile thinking back to when I first laid eyes on him. We were 17 (reminds me of the song “Strawberry Wine”) and completely unsuspecting that something very powerful was about to take over us. We fell pretty hard, and we continued to fall hard through college. For a short time after college we took a break to “find ourselves”. We knew when we came back together it would be forever. I can’t even describe the connection we've always had except to say its complete adoration for one another.

Getting married was as it is for most, a very big time in our lives. We became a unit. We weren’t quite ready to start a family, so we enjoyed our time together; bought a house, focused on our careers, and got a puppy. It was fun. Until that point in our lives we were completely unaware of what was to come.

I had a feeling, call it my women’s intuition, that getting pregnant would be a challenge. I’m sure it also had something to do with me having had health issues which led to my surgery in late 2005 to remove my pelvic adhesions and uterine fibroids. The doctors could never give me a definitive reason why that happened, nor did my OBGYN bother to mention how that could impact my fertility.

So began our adventure in baby making. We were so excited about TTC, and actually got to enjoy it for a few months. Each passing month my intuition grew stronger that something just wasn’t right in my body. We started our IF journey, and month after month we learned more about the issues that were standing in our way of starting our family. It seemed our bad news came in stages, and each stage was worse than the one before. Through it all we thought IVF would be there. If all else failed we could get pregnant through IVF. It seemed simple enough, but once we finally got rolling with trying cycle after cycle they were all cancelled due to my funny little ovaries that just don’t want to cooperate. Don’t they know they’re mucking it all up for us?

We finally got to complete a cycle. You know you’re infertile when you’re happy to have at least completed an IVF cycle, even if it was unsuccessful. Of course, we weren’t happy, we were completely devastated. We know that with each passing cycle our funds dwindle and the future big decisions we thought we would never have to make become more imminent. Honestly, the only thing that makes this bearable is him. He loves me unconditionally. You think you know what that means and then IF strikes. You’re at your complete worst: depressed, sad, grieving, hopeless, jealous and just plain hurt; and he’s there looking on the bright side, he’s got you.

Where do I begin?

I've been contemplating the start of a blog for some time now. I once read that if you can find your voice during infertility (IF), it can provide you with so much solace, but boy have I struggled to commit to doing this. I think my hesitation has been that it has taken me 2 years since this struggle began to even be able to find my own voice. Like many of you, I've never been a writer, but have had an impressive internal dialogue going my entire life. I decided it's high time to translate my internal chit chat to this blog in hopes that it will help me to cope, and if it helps a few of you that's just icing on the cake!

Since my inception into the IF community, I've been amazed at all of the incredible women who put their stories out there. I admire each and every one of you and in so many ways I feel that I have a family out there, even though we'll never meet. This crazy IF journey  has been a huge turning point in my life and for better or worse I am forever changed by it. 

If I  had to sum up what this journey means, it would be to never give up on what our hope is...to have a family of our own ONE DAY.

Thanks for reading!