Slow Road the Healing

It's only been 2 months since we lost our baby girls. I am amazed at the time warp the has been December and January. We are slowly feeling less intense emotional pain, although it's there below the surface. I have been worried lately that I am not thinking about our miscarriage and our babies as often as I should, but I know I think of them often and don't even realize it. They are constantly on my mind in one way or another.

We began talking about adoption in early January and immediately felt excited about it. I just can't bare going through DEIVF again after our loss. I really feel like I was a giant balloon of hope just hanging on for dear life and then, POP, someone stuck a pin in me. All my hope is gone, and I have so much fear of being pregnant again. The thought of going through another cycle and going through everything we just experienced is scary.

I'm just not sure I want to do it anymore. The decision is complicated by a few factors. One, my RE says I had a placental accreta which is when the placenta invades into the wall of the uterus. This causes hemorrhaging after birth and usually leads to a C-Section and immediate hysterectomy. I admit I am more afraid of miscarrying again, although he feels our miscarriage was due to our girls being monochorionic diamniotic twins and sharing a placenta. I guess it feels like pregnancy has become scary, when before all of this it felt exciting and special.

We decided to apply to an infant adoption program and we are really excited! I know our decision to continue with DEIVF doesn't have to be made right away and I know for sure we want to have a family and to share all of our love with a child. We will just have to see what the future brings and if our feelings towards proceeding with IVF change. Either way, we will build our family through adoption!