Identical Loss

I’m trying to be strong for you both. I can’t believe how happy and excited we were with the news that you would both be ours; hope and faith were renewed ever so briefly.  As I analyze everything I did and thought for those 9 weeks wondering if I could have done more or if I did too much; I realize it was never in my hands. I can’t imagine my heart will ever stop aching or that I will ever stop wanting you two. You were and will always be our miracles, our one that became two, and our two that left us too soon.  Please know that we love you and will always carry you in our hearts. One day we will meet again.

One Basket

Well, now that we've accepted our donor things are moving so fast it seems. We are scheduled to start our 1st DE IVF cycle next Monday! I can't believe it! I thought for sure we would have to wait while our cycles got synched. The weird thing is they are already synched! It feels serendipitous. It was so comforting when I saw my doc this morning because he told hubby and I that we could not have picked a better donor and he thinks it is a great match. We were thrilled! I mean, we didn't really pick her; she sort of fell into our laps. We enjoyed an evening filled with utter excitement about getting started and all the great things that could be to come. Sometimes it's cool when we can still get excited like we used to before all this IF shit, ya know? There is still that small voice in my head that's telling me, "Don't get too excited, this is YOUR body we're talking about here. Something is bound to go wrong." Damn that voice. It's probably right.

I've been thinking a lot about the donor process. We really weren't active participants like many people are when looking for a donor. We just put our names on the anonymous donor list and got a call one fine day when we got matched. I feel very satisfied with not having to look through a database of pictures and profiles of potential donors. I understand that many couples want to be apart of this process, and need to have a say in all of the qualities that their donors possess. As for me, the connection we felt about our donor's profile was so special that we didn't really care about the details of her medical history, or the fact that she isn't my identical twin. We are just so happy that this could actually happen that those details just don't seem important. My family history is nothing to write home about and so why should we place that emphasis on our donor. When hubby and I met I didn't make him fill out a questionnaire about his family history and all that jazz; he didn't have me fill one out either come to think of it. It's a good thing he didn't, what a waste of time that would have been!

Celebratory Sushi

Reaching a turning point in IF treatment can be very difficult. Hubby and I were just cruising along this summer; we were taking a two month hiatus from treatment, and we were just getting out of our hole from our first IVF failure this past May. We were trying to get psyched up to start yet again in September. Many of our discussions leading up to now about how long we would continue to try IVF before we moved on to other options had always ended like this: “We won’t know until we’re there.”

One fine day about two weeks ago, I got a random call from the donor coordinator at our clinic. I began having a mild panic attack as she starts to tell me, “We have a match for you.” I had totally lost track of time! We put ourselves on the donor waiting list six or more months ago as a “just in case.” I explained to her we weren’t quite ready for that step, and we really wanted to try again with my own eggs despite our four cancelled cycles.  She suggested we come in to see what the process is like; she said it can make it easier knowing what to expect when the time does come that we’re ready to move forward. So, we decided to go in to view the donor profile, couldn’t hurt right?

I must admit, hubby and I were surprised by her call. We began casual chit chat (Yes, this is the second time I’m using “chit chat” in my blog after only three posts) about how we felt about this development. We were excited and intrigued. I almost felt like I was betraying my body and my genetics for feeling that way. But what have my ovaries ever done for me up to this point except screw thing up royally? I had to begin thinking about what was really important to us; was it genetics or starting a family together?

At the clinic, we met the donor coordinator, Kathy; the sweetest and most caring person I think we’ve ever encountered during this whole journey. She gave us plenty of time to go through our potential donor’s profile. As we read through her thick folder we kept commenting on how good we felt. We weren’t sad or upset; we felt a connection to this person, this angel who for some reason made us feel at ease with this process.

Afterwards, we went out for some celebratory sushi. We were both very excited and nervous about our experience at the clinic. We were on the same page about being open to this if it made sense for us. My ovaries aren’t going to magically cooperate and start responding to medication, nor are they going to start producing more follicles. I got what I got, and I sadly don’t have any more. Those were the cold hard facts that it’s taken me two years to feel at peace with.

I’ve never felt so in tune with my path before. I usually go along, reacting to things as they come up. This time I felt a little more in control of what’s been laid out before us. This wasn’t an easy decision; we thought about our options, and one wasn’t necessarily right or wrong. In our minds, we had been approaching this decision for some time now. Each cancelled cycle takes such a toll, both emotionally and financially, and we know that my female organs have mind of their own. What if we waited for something that could never happen and then it was too late. So, we chose the path of least resistance; we chose to take a chance, and go with the donor.

A huge weight feels like it’s been lifted and we are once again hopeful. I’ve been grieving the loss of having a genetic child a little bit at a time for the last year and I’m ready to move forward with our family building. We couldn’t have known that it would take this opportunity and the gift of an angel to pull us forward and keep us filled with love and hope. More to come!!