I’m trying to be strong for you both. I can’t believe how happy and excited we were with the news that you would both be ours; hope and faith were renewed ever so briefly. As I analyze everything I did and thought for those 9 weeks wondering if I could have done more or if I did too much; I realize it was never in my hands. I can’t imagine my heart will ever stop aching or that I will ever stop wanting you two. You were and will always be our miracles, our one that became two, and our two that left us too soon. Please know that we love you and will always carry you in our hearts. One day we will meet again.
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
HPT Ups and Downs, and then Ups
I was doing just fine during my 2ww, but my anxiety got the best of me. I just couldn't believe that it would work, even though the Doc gave us a 70% chance with our donor eggs. We were so pleased with how smooth the transfer went. Our 2 blasts were placed right where they needed to be in a matter of moments, and I felt at peace. I managed to teeter back and forth for the next 9 days, it worked, it didn't work, and again and again.
Finally, last Saturday morning, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer because of the stupid websites I allowed myself to read about early HPT results. Damn websites! I took the test and got a BFN; I was crushed and obliterated all in one fell swoop. My hope was gone. By that evening I picked up the old laptop and began looking up the sensitivity of my HPT and thought maybe my HCG levels weren't high enough or maybe the test wasn't accurate. Please oh please let that be true! I couldn't allow myself to believe that I could still be pregnant after that. So, that weekend was very depressing. The thought of having to start over finding a new donor that we liked was too much to bear. We only had the 2 blasts, the last didn't make it to freeze.
Monday morning was 9dp5dt, and my hubs got up early to come with me to my beta test. I spent the morning and early part of the afternoon researching IVF success stories and looking for trends in negative HPTs and then getting positive betas, just in case in made me feel better. Which it did. Thinking I wouldn't hear from the Doc's office until about 3 PM, my cell rang at 1:30, I didn't answer. I planned on leaving work early to get the bad news at home with my hubs where no one could hear me cry and see our devastation. I began to gather my things to leave work when my work phone rang. The caller ID said "Lifesource Fertility Center," so I had to pick up before someone in my office saw that. I answered very nervously, and I hear Kim, the nurse on the other end. I quickly said to her "I wanted to get the bad news call at home, not at work." She quietly said "Olivia, that's why I'm calling you at work, I don't have bad news for you." I said "What do you mean Kim, am I pregnant?" "Yes, Olivia you are pregnant." I sat at my desk sobbing asking her to repeat it, because I didn't believe it at all.
My beta was 283 and we go in on Nov. 4th to hopefully hear the heartbeat or beats, depending if there's 1 or 2. I still don't believe it, and I won't for a while. Saying that we are excited about it is the understatement of the century. It is truly a miracle and I pray every day that it will continue and we can make it to having our family in June! Happy Birthday to me on October 31st; this is the greatest gift in the world.
Finally, last Saturday morning, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer because of the stupid websites I allowed myself to read about early HPT results. Damn websites! I took the test and got a BFN; I was crushed and obliterated all in one fell swoop. My hope was gone. By that evening I picked up the old laptop and began looking up the sensitivity of my HPT and thought maybe my HCG levels weren't high enough or maybe the test wasn't accurate. Please oh please let that be true! I couldn't allow myself to believe that I could still be pregnant after that. So, that weekend was very depressing. The thought of having to start over finding a new donor that we liked was too much to bear. We only had the 2 blasts, the last didn't make it to freeze.
Monday morning was 9dp5dt, and my hubs got up early to come with me to my beta test. I spent the morning and early part of the afternoon researching IVF success stories and looking for trends in negative HPTs and then getting positive betas, just in case in made me feel better. Which it did. Thinking I wouldn't hear from the Doc's office until about 3 PM, my cell rang at 1:30, I didn't answer. I planned on leaving work early to get the bad news at home with my hubs where no one could hear me cry and see our devastation. I began to gather my things to leave work when my work phone rang. The caller ID said "Lifesource Fertility Center," so I had to pick up before someone in my office saw that. I answered very nervously, and I hear Kim, the nurse on the other end. I quickly said to her "I wanted to get the bad news call at home, not at work." She quietly said "Olivia, that's why I'm calling you at work, I don't have bad news for you." I said "What do you mean Kim, am I pregnant?" "Yes, Olivia you are pregnant." I sat at my desk sobbing asking her to repeat it, because I didn't believe it at all.
My beta was 283 and we go in on Nov. 4th to hopefully hear the heartbeat or beats, depending if there's 1 or 2. I still don't believe it, and I won't for a while. Saying that we are excited about it is the understatement of the century. It is truly a miracle and I pray every day that it will continue and we can make it to having our family in June! Happy Birthday to me on October 31st; this is the greatest gift in the world.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
What a Roller Coaster
It's all I can do over the last few days not to lay down and never get up again. Starting last Thursday on Day 11 of our DEIVF cycle, our donor's E2 levels dropped suddenly. My RE called with this news and of course I was freaked out. Friday he called, and the levels dropped again. He wasn't optimistic about continuing with the cycle. He left it up to us if we wanted to keep going. We decided to "Hail Marry" it and keep going. If we cancelled we would have to start all over, find a new donor, pay another donor fee, and more drug costs. Saturday our donor's E2 levels were back up to a good number, so Doc triggered her with a "Lupron Trigger" which I had never heard of; to prevent OHSS. At the retrieval on Sunday, the first 5 eggs he retrieved were very immature. He decided to give her an HCG shot and postponed the rest of the retrieval until the next morning.
During this time, I'm beside myself. I don't understand how this could go so wrong. I mean this is a 24 year old healthy and fertile gal.
After the retrieval on Monday, Doc calls; they got 10 more eggs that were still immature, but not as immature as the 5 from the day before. Good news, 2 of the 5 from the first retrieval matured and was ready to be injected for ICSI. He said the lab would watch the 10 from that day and see if they would mature on their own.
This morning, Doc calls and says, "The news keeps getting better." Music to my ever sensitive ears! 11 eggs were mature enough to be injected, and overnight 10 fertilized! Oh my god, oh my sweet baby Jesus! Thank you. I have been on a crazy and terrible roller coaster during this process and it's not over yet, but I am more hopeful now. We went from all eggs being very immature, and the Doc said he doesn't see them mature in the lab from the stage they were at very often, to 10 fertilized eggs!!! Our transfer will either be this Thursday or Saturday depending on how our embies look as the week progresses.
During this time, I'm beside myself. I don't understand how this could go so wrong. I mean this is a 24 year old healthy and fertile gal.
After the retrieval on Monday, Doc calls; they got 10 more eggs that were still immature, but not as immature as the 5 from the day before. Good news, 2 of the 5 from the first retrieval matured and was ready to be injected for ICSI. He said the lab would watch the 10 from that day and see if they would mature on their own.
This morning, Doc calls and says, "The news keeps getting better." Music to my ever sensitive ears! 11 eggs were mature enough to be injected, and overnight 10 fertilized! Oh my god, oh my sweet baby Jesus! Thank you. I have been on a crazy and terrible roller coaster during this process and it's not over yet, but I am more hopeful now. We went from all eggs being very immature, and the Doc said he doesn't see them mature in the lab from the stage they were at very often, to 10 fertilized eggs!!! Our transfer will either be this Thursday or Saturday depending on how our embies look as the week progresses.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
One Basket
Well, now that we've accepted our donor things are moving so fast it seems. We are scheduled to start our 1st DE IVF cycle next Monday! I can't believe it! I thought for sure we would have to wait while our cycles got synched. The weird thing is they are already synched! It feels serendipitous. It was so comforting when I saw my doc this morning because he told hubby and I that we could not have picked a better donor and he thinks it is a great match. We were thrilled! I mean, we didn't really pick her; she sort of fell into our laps. We enjoyed an evening filled with utter excitement about getting started and all the great things that could be to come. Sometimes it's cool when we can still get excited like we used to before all this IF shit, ya know? There is still that small voice in my head that's telling me, "Don't get too excited, this is YOUR body we're talking about here. Something is bound to go wrong." Damn that voice. It's probably right.
I've been thinking a lot about the donor process. We really weren't active participants like many people are when looking for a donor. We just put our names on the anonymous donor list and got a call one fine day when we got matched. I feel very satisfied with not having to look through a database of pictures and profiles of potential donors. I understand that many couples want to be apart of this process, and need to have a say in all of the qualities that their donors possess. As for me, the connection we felt about our donor's profile was so special that we didn't really care about the details of her medical history, or the fact that she isn't my identical twin. We are just so happy that this could actually happen that those details just don't seem important. My family history is nothing to write home about and so why should we place that emphasis on our donor. When hubby and I met I didn't make him fill out a questionnaire about his family history and all that jazz; he didn't have me fill one out either come to think of it. It's a good thing he didn't, what a waste of time that would have been!
I've been thinking a lot about the donor process. We really weren't active participants like many people are when looking for a donor. We just put our names on the anonymous donor list and got a call one fine day when we got matched. I feel very satisfied with not having to look through a database of pictures and profiles of potential donors. I understand that many couples want to be apart of this process, and need to have a say in all of the qualities that their donors possess. As for me, the connection we felt about our donor's profile was so special that we didn't really care about the details of her medical history, or the fact that she isn't my identical twin. We are just so happy that this could actually happen that those details just don't seem important. My family history is nothing to write home about and so why should we place that emphasis on our donor. When hubby and I met I didn't make him fill out a questionnaire about his family history and all that jazz; he didn't have me fill one out either come to think of it. It's a good thing he didn't, what a waste of time that would have been!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Like Strawberry Wine
I smile thinking back to when I first laid eyes on him. We were 17 (reminds me of the song “Strawberry Wine”) and completely unsuspecting that something very powerful was about to take over us. We fell pretty hard, and we continued to fall hard through college. For a short time after college we took a break to “find ourselves”. We knew when we came back together it would be forever. I can’t even describe the connection we've always had except to say its complete adoration for one another.
Getting married was as it is for most, a very big time in our lives. We became a unit. We weren’t quite ready to start a family, so we enjoyed our time together; bought a house, focused on our careers, and got a puppy. It was fun. Until that point in our lives we were completely unaware of what was to come.
I had a feeling, call it my women’s intuition, that getting pregnant would be a challenge. I’m sure it also had something to do with me having had health issues which led to my surgery in late 2005 to remove my pelvic adhesions and uterine fibroids. The doctors could never give me a definitive reason why that happened, nor did my OBGYN bother to mention how that could impact my fertility.
So began our adventure in baby making. We were so excited about TTC, and actually got to enjoy it for a few months. Each passing month my intuition grew stronger that something just wasn’t right in my body. We started our IF journey, and month after month we learned more about the issues that were standing in our way of starting our family. It seemed our bad news came in stages, and each stage was worse than the one before. Through it all we thought IVF would be there. If all else failed we could get pregnant through IVF. It seemed simple enough, but once we finally got rolling with trying cycle after cycle they were all cancelled due to my funny little ovaries that just don’t want to cooperate. Don’t they know they’re mucking it all up for us?
We finally got to complete a cycle. You know you’re infertile when you’re happy to have at least completed an IVF cycle, even if it was unsuccessful. Of course, we weren’t happy, we were completely devastated. We know that with each passing cycle our funds dwindle and the future big decisions we thought we would never have to make become more imminent. Honestly, the only thing that makes this bearable is him. He loves me unconditionally. You think you know what that means and then IF strikes. You’re at your complete worst: depressed, sad, grieving, hopeless, jealous and just plain hurt; and he’s there looking on the bright side, he’s got you.
Getting married was as it is for most, a very big time in our lives. We became a unit. We weren’t quite ready to start a family, so we enjoyed our time together; bought a house, focused on our careers, and got a puppy. It was fun. Until that point in our lives we were completely unaware of what was to come.
I had a feeling, call it my women’s intuition, that getting pregnant would be a challenge. I’m sure it also had something to do with me having had health issues which led to my surgery in late 2005 to remove my pelvic adhesions and uterine fibroids. The doctors could never give me a definitive reason why that happened, nor did my OBGYN bother to mention how that could impact my fertility.
So began our adventure in baby making. We were so excited about TTC, and actually got to enjoy it for a few months. Each passing month my intuition grew stronger that something just wasn’t right in my body. We started our IF journey, and month after month we learned more about the issues that were standing in our way of starting our family. It seemed our bad news came in stages, and each stage was worse than the one before. Through it all we thought IVF would be there. If all else failed we could get pregnant through IVF. It seemed simple enough, but once we finally got rolling with trying cycle after cycle they were all cancelled due to my funny little ovaries that just don’t want to cooperate. Don’t they know they’re mucking it all up for us?
We finally got to complete a cycle. You know you’re infertile when you’re happy to have at least completed an IVF cycle, even if it was unsuccessful. Of course, we weren’t happy, we were completely devastated. We know that with each passing cycle our funds dwindle and the future big decisions we thought we would never have to make become more imminent. Honestly, the only thing that makes this bearable is him. He loves me unconditionally. You think you know what that means and then IF strikes. You’re at your complete worst: depressed, sad, grieving, hopeless, jealous and just plain hurt; and he’s there looking on the bright side, he’s got you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)